"Driving for Dummies"

Who ever thought that they would need to make a "driving for dummies" book? If you are that dumb, maybe you shouldn't be driving. And how in the world did you earn the money to buy that car that you are driving, dummy?

Driving IS NOT for dummies.

It is a huge task that too many people shrug off. We have these swanky cars with super luxury written all over them, and you can have a GPS going, a call on your bluetooth, a video playing in the background while your kids are arguing over who gets to lick the silver spoon next, and all the while, you ARE actually on the road, going 60-80 mph, a truly neck-breaking speed. Literally. You would think that a lot of people forget that small fact by the way they drive.

I don't know if it's like that in all cities, or if Austin is especially bad. I feel like everyone here is either going slow and can't seem to stay within the lanes, or they're going WAAAAY too fast and just can't decide which line to stay in, so they zip through all of them. Jon's theory, which I have good faith in, is that everyone on the roads in Austin is either drunk or high.

I find myself saying really rude things to people on the road. In general, I'm just a really unpleasant person while I'm in the driver's seat. I'll be talking to my passenger, telling her about some awesome thing or other that Jon did or some cute thing I saw, and mid-sentence, *TOUERETTES* just kicks in and I let some poor, unknowing dummy on the road have it. And of course they will never know what I said about them or their driving skills, but whoever is unfortunate enough to be in the car with me sure hears it.

I feel like driving is bad for my health. I'm tempted to pick up biking whenever possible, but that seems unwise, seeing all the dumb-butts on the road! They'll just knock me off my bike one of these days, like they did with my sister. I guess if I am going to have to encounter these dummies, I might as well be in my big plastic and metal hunk on wheels as well. Better odds, I suppose.

I just need to say it one more time... Driving is NOT for dummies. "Driving For Dummies: Page 1: DON'T DRIVE if this book is your best bet. Drop your keys off at the door and take the bus home." End of book.

Better yet, let's just get rid of that book altogether.

I rest my case.